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My friend wants to photograph my wedding --bake my wedding cake --do my wedding flowers. It would save a ton of money, what should I do?
-- the bride with a ton of good-hearted friends.
Oh, the dear, sweet offer from a friend. They practically beg you to please, please, please let them bake your cake, do your invitations, make your bouquet, or take your wedding pictures. I've gotta admit, I've done it myself. And I almost always resent it.
DON''T DO IT!
Friendship is an extremely valuable commodity. In fact, it is priceless. And just as you shouldn't borrow money from friends,
do not borrow on your once-in-a-lifetime event. The stakes are too high. I promise you, somebody is not going to be happy about it.
Either, your friend is not going to perform up to your standards and you are...
A) going to have to compromise your original want or
B) say something and risk ruining the friendship or at least having a negative confrontation
OR, even worse
your friend is going to resent the heck out of you, your demands and your utter lack of appreciation for their hard work.
And, let me tell you, the only payment worthy is not a dinner out or an expensive bottle of wine...it is cold, hard cash.
So you might as well pay them right up front. Deal done. Leverage on both sides to negotiate. Everyone feels good.
THERE IS VALUE IN AN ARMS LENGTH TRANSACTION.
Here are a few of my favs...
THE CAKE: Let me tell you, if the grocery store cannot produce a cake that stands up straight, doesn't slide, doesn't melt and doesn't lean or even worse, crack down the middle before the reception --your sweet friend who is a great baker cannot produce a masterpiece that will stand up to the rigors of being a "wedding cake". Wedding cakes require special recipes and structural support to stand up against the catering staff moving it when they aren't supposed to touch it or the wonderful guest who moves it into the sun at your outdoor wedding because she thought it looked better out of the shade. That is why there are cake designers who specialize in wedding cakes. Oh yeah, or worse, the friend or relative who offers to make the cake for your weddings --who happens to be a professional ---you assume it is your gift and get a $1,000 bill a few weeks after your wedding. True story and yes, it turns the sugar sweetness of the cake rancid.
THE FLOWERS: How hard could it be? Throw a bunch of flowers together, tie them with a ribbon and there you go...a magically gorgeous bouquet. Or hey, fill a vase with some rocks, add water and toss some flowers and branches in there, set in the center of the table and man, isn't that a lovely centerpiece? Your elaborate ideas may fall short when a friend is doing your flowers because A)she can't access the flowers she needs because you have to order them ahead from the wholesaler or B) doesn't have a cooler --a big cooler --to store the flowers so they don't wilt and die. I cannot make brown, wilty flowers look vibrant and bright when they've been set up at 10am for your 6pm reception and were not stored properly. And yes, I have had to rip apart a bouquet and put it back together because it was falling apart, didn't have the right flowers and just plain looked awful. All the work of a trusted friend.
THE PHOTOGRAPHY:
And for the love of God, please, please, please do not let a friend photograph your wedding. Those images are ALL YOU HAVE LEFT. Yes, yes, I am a photographer and it sounds a loaded coming from me. But if you knew how many brides come to me every year with over-exposed, fuzzy --just plain crappy images --on a CD...with tears in their eyes and hope in their heart, well, it would break your heart. I always look at the images but geez...I can't make beef wellington out of sloppy joes. Garbage in, garbage out...as the saying goes.
But my friend is a professional...
Lucky you! Negotiate a deal. Don't let them do it for free. They could be making money on another job while they are servicing your wedding gratis. You are taking money out of their pocket. Accept their kindness to do it for trade or a reduced fee, but don't play the "free" card. It is not respectful of their talent and time. A professional favor, however, is another matter. Sometimes it is trade and sometimes, it is plain old-fashioned good will. Either way, in my decade of experience, the best way to do this is be honest and fair. If you are doing the invitations for a friend's wedding in trade for...hmmm...say family holiday portraits, everyone should put the cost on the table regardless of the relationship and agree to when the trade is paid in full. If not, trades could go one FOREVER...and we are back to that word, "resentment".
But my friend is talented and crafty...
Wonderful! PAY THEM! Even if it is a token amount. They will appreciate being treated professionally, even if it isn't their profession.
Wow, I sound like a sourpuss. It is certainly not my intention. The wedding I did last week, the bridesmaids did all the centerpieces and the ballroom was radiant and the bridesmaids were so proud. Sometimes it is a wonderful experience. I just want you to pause a moment and really think about what you value, friendship or free. Sometimes you can get both...it just depends.
Joe and Kara got married a few weeks ago at the romantic First Presbyterian Church with a wonderful reception at the Mansion on Forsyth Park. Kara was elegant and gorgeous...so gracious and kind. She was a dream to work with. And Joe wasn't so bad himself;)
The wonderful Madame Chrysanthemum created the florals.
Joe and Kara, thank you so much for including me in your wonderful day.
It was incredibly fun and your family and friends were wonderful. You are a lucky couple
to be surrounded by so much love.
DVB
